If these Hollywood movies were made in India – 1

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What if these movies were made in India?

Lord of the Rings
There would be an item song in the mount Doom just before the climax! Frodo and Sam would enter the party disguised as gypsy ladies. Aragon would have followed with a damroo.
The cast would be –
Frodo: Aamir Khan – perfect to play a hobbit, he would actually grow hair on his legs!!
Sam: Ritesh Deskmukh
Aragon: Anil Kapoor
Gandalf: Boman Irani
Legolas: Ranbir Kapoor
Gimli: Rajpal Yadav
Sauron: Amrish Puri/Shakti Kapoor
Casting coup – Gollum: Kamal Rashid Khan aka KRK!

KingKong
First of all the KingKong wouldn’t have died at the end of the movie. Hindi movie heros don’t die, unless there are two of them vying for a single woman. Either KingKong will become a man or Ann Darrow would become a lady Gorilla by the grace of some baba or some Devi. A Romantic duet of Kong and Ms Darrow in the alps would surely be there.
Cast –
KingKong: Sunil Shetty or Sunny Deol
Ann Darrow: Any pretty lady would do
Carl Denham: Nana Patekar
Jack Driscoll: Salman Khan/Shahrukh Khan if he is going to get the girl or any lesser hero who can be killed by Kong.

300
This got to be a Rajnikanth movie and to be renamed “1”. You get the point!

Star Wars
Classic epic. Luke Skywalker would have written on his hand, “Mera baap kala hai” – My father’s on the dark side! Padme Amidala wouldn’t die. In the end there would be a happy reunion of the family and after killing the Sith lord they would rule the galaxy together.
Cast:
Darth Vedar: Amitabh Bachchan
Luke Skywalker: Abhishek Bachchan
Han Solo: Anil Kapoor
Casting coup – Jabba The Hutt: Bappi Lahiri!!

Matrix
Ram Gopal Verma to direct it. To be named Ram Gopal Verma ki Matrix! He’d be the only one understanding the story.
Cast –
Neo – Manoj Bajpai
Trinity – Nisha or Priyanka or whatever-her-name-is Kothari
Morpheus – Mohanlal
Casting coup – Persephone – Mallika Sherawat

to be continued…

India in 2030

by Yash 3 Comments
  • Sachin plays his 300th test for India and scores 100th Century. Coach Ishant Sharma applauds him.
  • Abhishek Bachchan’s daughter debuts against Rajnikant in a Hollywood production.
  • Amir Khan has been making a movie for 5 years – perfectionist ha!
  • Salman Khan is still bachelor!
  • PM Rahul Gandhi introduces his teenaged son to politics, India has a new PM in making.
  • Advani is trying yet again to be the PM from the hospital bed.
  • Lalu is still in Bihar
  • Mayawati gets her name in Guinness Book of Records for being the person having maximum statues in the world. 12,374 at last count!
  • India hosts Olympic for the first time at the cost of 50% of Country’s GDP! Organiser Suresh Kalmadi buys an entire island in Dubai and settles there for ever. Indians are FINALLY happy to see him go!
  • Top 10 people in Forbes’ rich list are Indians – mostly living outside India.
  • Prince William and Prince Henry visit Mumbai, travel with the dubbawalas in AirTaxi and praise their service.
  • There are 3526 news channels and on any given day you can find more reporters on the road than beggars.
  • Mumbai has a population of 5 crores.
  • India has two mobile phones per person.
  • Nokia is PAYING people to use its phones!

My favourite exaggerations

by Yash 0 Comments

I often use exaggerations to make a point. My favourite ones –

Another zero will be added to India’s population
I use this to signify that significant amount time will be spent or has been spent doing something very trivial.

By the time I reach office, a zero would be added to India’s population
By the time it will compile, a zero would be added to India’s population
A zero was added to India’s population by the time you wrote this code!

Using extreme years
The remoteness of the year depends on the degree of time spent since the event I am talking about

I passed out of college in the last century = Its been many years since I passed out of college
I had my lunch in 2005 = I had my lunch a few hours back
This code was written in 14th century = Its very very old code
I had sent the mail in 1966 = I had sent the email a long back
I have been asking for these documents since 1945! = I have been asking for these documents since a long time

A person would bathe with this much water
When I see someone wasting water on something, I use this

The amount of water you used to wash this glass, someone could have bathed with it!
A buffalo could have bathed with the water you used to wash your face/hair/handkerchief or whatever!

You will send me to a village
I use this on my team members. I use this to signify that what they are doing is important. So important that if they fail, I would have to close the company and go to some village and do farming. It makes more sense when said in Hindi.

बेटा अगर ये server पे फटा ना, तो हम दोनोंको गांव जाना पडेगा!
(If this goes wrong on the server, we both will have to go to a village!)

सचीन, लातुर / झुमरीतलैया / जौनपुर का दो टिकीट ला भाई, आज ये गांव भेजने वाला है!
(Sachin, bring two tickets for Latur / Jhumritalaiya / Jaunpur. This guys is going to send us to a village today!)

There are some more… will write about them when I remember.

Phishing email in Hindi

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Scamsters have now started sending phishing emails in Hindi! I received one today telling me my Bank of India account has been blocked and I should login and activate it. Of course I dont have an account in Bank of India but what is interesting is the mail is in Hindi. Very bad Hindi actually. Looks like it was translated in some automatic tool like Google Translation.

प्रिय ग्राहकों,

हमारे रिकॉर्ड इंगित करते हैं कि आपके ऑनलाइन खाते की वजह से रोक दिया गया है निम्नलिखित कारणों से.

झूठी जानकारी के साथ परीक्षण में साइन इन करें.

अधूरा या गुम भारत के बैंक में इस्तेमाल किया ऑनलाइन खाते के डेटा.

हम आग्रह करता हूं कि आप भारत के अपने बैंक खाते को पुनर्स्थापित करने के लिए ऑनलाइन तुरंत अपने खाते को बंद करने को रोकने के.

लिंक पर क्लिक करें नीचे भारत के बैंक खाते को पुनर्स्थापित करने के लिए ऑनलाइन:

My favourite line in this – हम आग्रह करता हूं कि.. As if Laloo Prasad Yadav had drafted this email! :P

Server is hung

by Yash 2 Comments

“Server is hung”, informs Rohit. “Hung”? ins’t it supposed to be “hang”? asks Vijay. “Its past contonous tense” tells Rohit. “Past continous?, I think that is present continous.” Param jumps in the conversation. “I think that is present perfect” I give my opinion. By now everyone is interested in knowing what tense is that. So I grabbed a marker and white board and start writing the twelve tenses.

Simple
I eat – Present
I ate – Past
I will eat – Future

Continuos
I am eating – Present
I was eating – Past
I will be eating – Future

Perfect
I have eaten – Present
I had eaten – Past
I would have eaten – Future

Perfect Continous
I have being eating – Present
I had been eating – Past
I would have been eating – Future

Hung is past participle (3pp) form of verb Hang. And 3pp is used in perfect tense. So the conclusion is “Server is hung” is present perfect tense!

Cool! So we have the answer.

And Rohit reminds “Dude, BUT the server is still down!” Ouch! :P Nobody remembered to reboot the server!

Mind it (Tamil Bhangra) lyrics from Quick Gun Murugun

by Yash 3 Comments

Brrrrr chak de

Ho Maa kasam batata hoon suno na
Dhoondhe na mile aisa namoona

Sample hai ye for retail
Cent per cent he’s not for sale
Ladylog ko patata par usmein bilkul fail

Idli appam sambhar khao
Quick Gun Murugun ke gun gao
Ye hai rebel without a cow mind it…mind it mind it

Idli appam sambhar khao
Quick Gun Murugun ke gun gao
Dhishoon dhishoon aur Dhishkyaon yo mind it…mind it mind it

Aar tu taar tu aai bala ko taal tu
Iske yaar fande hai ghatiya aur faltu
Bheje ka noodle tera banega, isko agar tu chunega
Ekvede meter fail, ya tu murda ya fir jail
Ho mare na marta hai, peeche jo padat hai, chhode nahi sala

Idli appam sambhar khao
Quick Gun Murugun ke gun gao
Ye hai rebel without a cow mind it…mind it mind it

Easy easy brother nao
Apna pichhvada bajao
Dhishoon dhishoon aur Dhishkyaon yo mind it…mind it mind it

Hoooo kal, boot height mein, just like dad ye
Well toned body hai, just thoda fat re
Ho iske dikhave pe na jaana,
Item hai badaa ye sayana
Tum jo ser to ye sava ser,
Kat le pehle jo ho der
Ho mare na marta hai, peeche jo padat hai, chhode nahi sala

Idli appam sambhar khao
Quick Gun Murugun ke gun gao
Ye hai rebel without a cow mind it…mind it mind it

Easy easy brother nao
Apna pichhvada bajao
Dhishoon dhishoon aur Dhishkyaon yo mind it…mind it mind it

Kutta bhonke bhau bhau
Billi bole meow meow
Dhishoon dhishoon aur Dhishkyaon yo mind it…mind it mind it

Abe yaar Quick Gun hai, cowboy hai…excuse please!

****************

ब्र्ररररर चक दे

हो माँ कसम बताता हूँ सुनोना
ढूँढे ना मिले ऐसा नमूना

सैम्पल है ये फॉर रिटेल
सेंट पर सेंट ही’स नोट फॉर सेल
लेडी लोग को पटाता, पर उसमें बिलकुल फ़ेल

इडली अप्पम साम्भार खाओ
क्विक गन मुरुगन के गुण गाओ
ये है रेबेल विदाउट अ काऊ माइंड ईट…. माइंड ईट … माइंड ईट

इडली अप्पम साम्भार खाओ
क्विक गन मुरुगन के गुण गाओ
ढिशूम ढिशूम और ढिश्क्याओं यो माइंड ईट…. माइंड ईट … माइंड ईट

आर तु टार तु आई बाला को टाल तु
इसके यार फंडे हैं घटिया और फालतू
भेजे का नूडल तेरा बनेगा, इसको अगर तु चुनेगा
एकवेडे  मीटर फ़ेल, या तु मुर्दा या फिर जेल
हो मारे ना मरता है, पीछे जो पड़ता है, छोडे नहीं साला

इडली अप्पम साम्भार खाओ
क्विक गन मुरुगन के गुण गाओ
ये है रेबेल विदाउट अ काऊ माइंड ईट…. माइंड ईट … माइंड ईट

ईजी ईजी ब्रधर नाऊ
अपना पिछवाडा बजाओ
ढिशूम ढिशूम और ढिश्क्याओं यो माइंड ईट…. माइंड ईट … माइंड ईट

हो कल बूट टाईट्स में, जस्ट लाईक डैड ये
वेल टोन्ड बॉडी है, जस्ट थोडा फ़ेट रे
हो इसके दिखावे पे ना जाना, आइटम है बड़ा ये सयाना
तुम जो सेर तो ये सवा सेर, कट ले पहले जो हो देर
हो मारे ना मरता है, पीछे जो पड़ता है, छोडे नहीं साला

इडली अप्पम साम्भार खाओ
क्विक गन मुरुगन के गुण गाओ
ये है रेबेल विदाउट अ काऊ माइंड ईट…. माइंड ईट … माइंड ईट

ईजी ईजी ब्रधर नाऊ
अपना पिछवाडा बजाओ
ढिशूम ढिशूम और ढिश्क्याओं यो माइंड ईट…. माइंड ईट … माइंड ईट

कुत्ता भोंके भाऊँ भाऊँ
बिल्ली बोले म्याऊँ म्याऊँ
ढिशूम ढिशूम और ढिश्क्याओं यो माइंड ईट…. माइंड ईट … माइंड ईट

अबे यार क्विक गन है, काऊ बॉय है….एक्स्क्युस प्लीज़!

Idli appam sambhar khao, Quick Gun Murugun ke gun gao….Mind It!

by Yash 0 Comments

I say, Mind it! Boy its a mindless laugh riot! Quick Gun Murugun is one heck of a movie. Its utter nonsense, but thats where it clicks! It doesnt try to make any sense and takes you a ride, where my cheeks started paining after laughing. It’s got all! The movie draws a lot from classic Hollywood movies – Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Matric, Terminator, X men and the quintesseltial cowboy movies!! The gun fight will put Neos and Rajnikants of the world to shame. The punch lines oh boy – they are killer – “Tereko khali road nahi mila?” Asks Murugun to Rowdy MBA and we see they are standing on top of taxis on a jam packed road for a one on one gun fight!! Yem Bee Ye…Yem Bee Ye!

Director Shashanka Ghosh has done a very good job and the movie with all its non sense is very detailed. Murugun applies Haldi Kumkum to his bullets before the final showdown with Riceplate Reddy and you can see the Haldi on the bullet wounds of his victims. Just put the rules of physics aside for 90 minutes and you will enjoy it for sure!

Indian Cowboy is on the loose…….rascala…..mind it!

Spinners rule in Twenty20

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Watching India vs West Indies match right now and Yusuf Pathan just got the wicket of dangerous Chris Gayle. India has two more spinners in side – Harbhajan and Pragyan Ojha. Ojha has already won the match against Bangladesh. IPL has proved that spinners are a key in T20. All the spinners, even part timers like Rohit Sharma and Yuvraj were getting bucket leads of wickets in the second edition of IPL. Yuvraj even managed to get a couple of hat tricks! I was watching the highlights of the Aus-Pak T20 encounter that happened in Dubai just before the start of this tournament and even in that match Shahid Afirid – another spinner – was named man of the match.

Guess rein of the spinners is coming back in cricket and that too in the most bang bang version of the game