How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood
This famous tongue twister can be sung on the tune of Uthe sab ke kadam tara rum pum pum….
Here is the original song
I recorded the video on iPad
Copied to computer through USB
The original video was 10 MB, converted it to avi of 3 MB using the awesome Freemake video converter
Uploaded to YouTube and Facebook.
Got a call from Axis Bank hawking a credit card as soon as I got into office
Caller: Sir we are offering you Axis Bank Titanium Credit Card…
Me: I already have many cards, don’t need one more.
Caller: Sir this card gives you xyz credit limit…
Me: I already have a card with a credit limit which is 10 times higher!
Caller: Sir you can use use this card at Big Bazaar and you can earn points…
Me: At Big Bazaar I use Future Card.
Caller: Sir you can get 2.5% fuel surcharge waiver…
Me: Standard Chartered card gives me 2.5% cash back on top of the waiver, so for every Rs.100 I spend I have to pay them only 97.5
Caller: Sir if you go to a restaurant….
Me: At restaurant I use Accord meal vouchers
Caller: OK sir, thank you. **Click**
With Harry Potter series’ last movie out some people may still not have an idea what all the hoopla is about. Here’s the story of the seven Harry Potter books in a nutshell. I have only covered the juice of the story. A quick five minute read of the Harry Potter saga.
There are seven books in the series, first six books tell the story of one year of Harry’s life at Hogwarts. He doesn’t return to the school in the seventh book.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
Harry Potter an orphan boy comes to know on his 10th birthday that he is a wizard. He is invited to a school for magical kids – Hogwarts. He also comes to know that when he was a toddler a very powerful wizard named Voldemort killed his parents and also tried to kill him. However, Voldemort’s magical spell rebounded on himself and his body was destroyed leaving only his soul. Harry survived and that made him famous in the wizarding world. Harry befriends Hermoine Granger and Ron Weasley at Hogwarts. Voldemort tries to get the Philosopher’s Stone which can bring him back to material form. Harry foils his plan and Voldemort has to vanish again.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
One of Voldemort’s followers (also known as Death Eaters) gives a diary to Ginny Weasley, sister of Ron Weasley. The diary belongs to Tom Marvolo Riddle who is Voldemort. Through the diary Voldemort posses Ginny and she opens a secret chamber which has a very large snake known as Basilisk which can kill anyone merely by looking in to his/her eyes. Harry manages to kill the Basilisk and save Ginny. He also destroys Tom Riddle’s diary in the process.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
A mysterious man named Sirius Black escapes from the wizard jail Azkaban. He was Harry’s parents’ friend and Harry believes it was Black who told Voldemort about Harry’s parents hiding place and was instrumental in getting them killed. However Black was a loyal friend of the Potters and it was another friend named Peter Pettigrew (also known as Wormtail) who actually betrayed them. Pettigrew was hiding as a pet mouse for Ron Weasley so that he could spy on Harry on behalf of Voldemort. When caught, Pettigrew runs away.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
A magical tournament named the Tri-Wizard Tournament is held at Hogwarts involving three wizarding schools. Harry’s name is mysteriously entered in the tournament even though he is underage for the tournament. Harry manages to go through the levels of the tournament with suggestions from his friends and a teacher named Professor Moody. Harry and a fellow Hogwarts student Cedric Diggory make it to the final level and suddenly then Wormtail and other Death Eaters appear with Voldemort who is in mere flesh form. They perform magical ritual to bring Voldemort into material form. Pettigrew kills Cedric. Harry manages to escape with Cedrik’s body and informs everyone of Voldemort’s return.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The magical world doesn’t believe Harry about Voldemort’s return. Ministry of magic appoints Dolores Umbridge as High Inquistor at Hogwarts who forbids many things at school and makes life difficult for students and teachers. Harry forms a secret group called Dumbuldore’s army (Dumbuldore is the headmaster of Hogwarts) with his friends and teaches them magic that Umbridge has banned from school in order to protect themselves from the looming danger. Harry finds a prophecy that states either he will kill Voldemort or Voldemort will kill him. One of them has to die.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
In his sixth year at Hogwarts Harry finds a book which earlier belonged to one half blood prince. The book helps Harry excel through his academics. Harry also starts feeling a connection with Voldemort. He can read Voldemort’s mind and vice versa. Harry comes to know that Voldemort has hidden pieces of his soul in seven objects called Horcruxes and he can not die till all the Horcruxes are destroyed. Two of the Horcruxes have already been destroyed one being Tom Riddle’s diary in the second year. Harry goes on a hunt to find and destroy remaining Horcruxes with Ron and Hermoine.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Harry manages to destroy all but two Horcruxes and comes to know that he himself is one of the Horcruxes because he was the only living thing present when Voldemort was destroyed so one piece of Voldemprt’s soul attached itself to Harry. In order to destroy that soul Harry has to be killed by Voldemort. Voldemort attacks Hogwarts and an epic battle ensues between Harry’s friends and supporters and those of Voldemort’s. Harry and Voldemort face one another where Voldemort attacks Harry with a killing spell which instead of killing Harry kills Voldemort’s soul inside him. Harry’s friend Naville kills Voldemort’s snake Nagini which was the last horcrux and Voldemort dies in a battle with Harry.
This is the summary of the “what” part of the story. The “how” part is what you get to see in the movies and read in the books. There are many sub plots and side stories. There are elaborate back stories of the characters and there are many characters. I have only covered Harry and Voldemort, two characters here but the story is incomplete without Ron, Hermoine, Dumbuldore, Hagrid, Snape, Weasley family and many more. A more detailed summary can be read here.
Harry Potter is recommended to everyone.
What if these movies were made in India?
Lord of the Rings
There would be an item song in the mount Doom just before the climax! Frodo and Sam would enter the party disguised as gypsy ladies. Aragon would have followed with a damroo.
The cast would be -
Frodo: Aamir Khan – perfect to play a hobbit, he would actually grow hair on his legs!!
Sam: Ritesh Deskmukh
Aragon: Anil Kapoor
Gandalf: Boman Irani
Legolas: Ranbir Kapoor
Gimli: Rajpal Yadav
Sauron: Amrish Puri/Shakti Kapoor
Casting coup – Gollum: Kamal Rashid Khan aka KRK!
First of all the KingKong wouldn’t have died at the end of the movie. Hindi movie heros don’t die, unless there are two of them vying for a single woman. Either KingKong will become a man or Ann Darrow would become a lady Gorilla by the grace of some baba or some Devi. A Romantic duet of Kong and Ms Darrow in the alps would surely be there.
KingKong: Sunil Shetty or Sunny Deol
Ann Darrow: Any pretty lady would do
Carl Denham: Nana Patekar
Jack Driscoll: Salman Khan/Shahrukh Khan if he is going to get the girl or any lesser hero who can be killed by Kong.
This got to be a Rajnikanth movie and to be renamed “1″. You get the point!
Classic epic. Luke Skywalker would have written on his hand, “Mera baap kala hai” – My father’s on the dark side! Padme Amidala wouldn’t die. In the end there would be a happy reunion of the family and after killing the Sith lord they would rule the galaxy together.
Darth Vedar: Amitabh Bachchan
Luke Skywalker: Abhishek Bachchan
Han Solo: Anil Kapoor
Casting coup – Jabba The Hutt: Bappi Lahiri!!
Ram Gopal Verma to direct it. To be named Ram Gopal Verma ki Matrix! He’d be the only one understanding the story.
Neo – Manoj Bajpai
Trinity – Nisha or Priyanka or whatever-her-name-is Kothari
Morpheus – Mohanlal
Casting coup – Persephone – Mallika Sherawat
to be continued…
- Sachin plays his 300th test for India and scores 100th Century. Coach Ishant Sharma applauds him.
- Abhishek Bachchan’s daughter debuts against Rajnikant in a Hollywood production.
- Amir Khan has been making a movie for 5 years – perfectionist ha!
- Salman Khan is still bachelor!
- PM Rahul Gandhi introduces his teenaged son to politics, India has a new PM in making.
- Advani is trying yet again to be the PM from the hospital bed.
- Lalu is still in Bihar
- Mayawati gets her name in Guinness Book of Records for being the person having maximum statues in the world. 12,374 at last count!
- India hosts Olympic for the first time at the cost of 50% of Country’s GDP! Organiser Suresh Kalmadi buys an entire island in Dubai and settles there for ever. Indians are FINALLY happy to see him go!
- Top 10 people in Forbes’ rich list are Indians – mostly living outside India.
- Prince William and Prince Henry visit Mumbai, travel with the dubbawalas in AirTaxi and praise their service.
- There are 3526 news channels and on any given day you can find more reporters on the road than beggars.
- Mumbai has a population of 5 crores.
- India has two mobile phones per person.
- Nokia is PAYING people to use its phones!
I often use exaggerations to make a point. My favourite ones -
Another zero will be added to India’s population
I use this to signify that significant amount time will be spent or has been spent doing something very trivial.
By the time I reach office, a zero would be added to India’s population
By the time it will compile, a zero would be added to India’s population
A zero was added to India’s population by the time you wrote this code!
Using extreme years
The remoteness of the year depends on the degree of time spent since the event I am talking about
I passed out of college in the last century = Its been many years since I passed out of college
I had my lunch in 2005 = I had my lunch a few hours back
This code was written in 14th century = Its very very old code
I had sent the mail in 1966 = I had sent the email a long back
I have been asking for these documents since 1945! = I have been asking for these documents since a long time
A person would bathe with this much water
When I see someone wasting water on something, I use this
The amount of water you used to wash this glass, someone could have bathed with it!
A buffalo could have bathed with the water you used to wash your face/hair/handkerchief or whatever!
You will send me to a village
I use this on my team members. I use this to signify that what they are doing is important. So important that if they fail, I would have to close the company and go to some village and do farming. It makes more sense when said in Hindi.
बेटा अगर ये server पे फटा ना, तो हम दोनोंको गांव जाना पडेगा!
(If this goes wrong on the server, we both will have to go to a village!)
सचीन, लातुर / झुमरीतलैया / जौनपुर का दो टिकीट ला भाई, आज ये गांव भेजने वाला है!
(Sachin, bring two tickets for Latur / Jhumritalaiya / Jaunpur. This guys is going to send us to a village today!)
There are some more… will write about them when I remember.
Scamsters have now started sending phishing emails in Hindi! I received one today telling me my Bank of India account has been blocked and I should login and activate it. Of course I dont have an account in Bank of India but what is interesting is the mail is in Hindi. Very bad Hindi actually. Looks like it was translated in some automatic tool like Google Translation.
हमारे रिकॉर्ड इंगित करते हैं कि आपके ऑनलाइन खाते की वजह से रोक दिया गया है निम्नलिखित कारणों से.
झूठी जानकारी के साथ परीक्षण में साइन इन करें.
अधूरा या गुम भारत के बैंक में इस्तेमाल किया ऑनलाइन खाते के डेटा.
हम आग्रह करता हूं कि आप भारत के अपने बैंक खाते को पुनर्स्थापित करने के लिए ऑनलाइन तुरंत अपने खाते को बंद करने को रोकने के.
लिंक पर क्लिक करें नीचे भारत के बैंक खाते को पुनर्स्थापित करने के लिए ऑनलाइन:
My favourite line in this – हम आग्रह करता हूं कि.. As if Laloo Prasad Yadav had drafted this email!
“Server is hung”, informs Rohit. “Hung”? ins’t it supposed to be “hang”? asks Vijay. “Its past contonous tense” tells Rohit. “Past continous?, I think that is present continous.” Param jumps in the conversation. “I think that is present perfect” I give my opinion. By now everyone is interested in knowing what tense is that. So I grabbed a marker and white board and start writing the twelve tenses.
I eat – Present
I ate – Past
I will eat – Future
I am eating – Present
I was eating – Past
I will be eating – Future
I have eaten – Present
I had eaten – Past
I would have eaten – Future
I have being eating – Present
I had been eating – Past
I would have been eating – Future
Hung is past participle (3pp) form of verb Hang. And 3pp is used in perfect tense. So the conclusion is “Server is hung” is present perfect tense!
Cool! So we have the answer.
And Rohit reminds “Dude, BUT the server is still down!” Ouch! Nobody remembered to reboot the server!